Hello and Welcome
Nice to meet you! I’m Heather. I’m a devoted wife and mum to three young children. I understand the struggle of trying to have it all and do it all.
I’m qualified in psychology, training and facilitation. I have more than 15 years experience in educating and behaviour change.
Hello and Welcome
A devoted wife and mum to three young children, who understands the struggle of trying to have it all.
Heather is qualified in psychology, training and facilitation. She has more than 15 years experience in solving people problems, including leading methods to improve motivation and change behaviour.
I am a passionate believer of equality and driving force behind The Invisible Load.
Why did I start the Invisible Load?
I have listened to women who feel unappreciated for the invisible work they do, frustrated and resentful.
Women have confided in me about how they feel like leaving their husbands because they can’t handle it anymore and feel like their partner just isn’t listening.
Other women have shared with me that the unequal mental load was the cause of their divorces.
Do you know the invisible load is an issue for you but don’t know how to change it?
Don’t wait until it’s too late. I can help.
I can coach you on how to interrupt patterns of behaviour, using research-based psychology and neuroscience approaches.
I can empower you to create a new reality.
When I first moved in with my husband in 2010, I loved looking after him by taking care of the details in our life so that he didn’t have to.
Within 3 months I had planned his 30th birthday celebrations, an international holiday and our first big purchase – a house!
I loved owning the scheduling, the planning, the restocking, appointments, thinking about stuff to make sure our lives ran smoothly.
It was one of the ways I expressed my love and care for him.
He was useful around the house. When I asked him to do chores he would do them.
But here’s the thing. If you’re asking someone to do a job, it stays on your mental to-do list until it’s done. You are still managing and delegating the job. It is still weighing on your mind.
In 2012 we had our first baby and the workload expanded.
My husband wanted to be an active dad but I was on maternity leave so it made sense for me to do the bulk of the planning, scheduling, management for the family.
When I started back at work I kept carrying the mental load.
Of course that meant I couldn’t possibly contemplate full time work – after all, I had a family to manage.
So then I was managing paid work plus the unpaid mental workload for myself, my child and my husband.
That was a huge load to carry around in my head.
I felt like I couldn’t really relax and be present with my family because I was constantly scanning for things I felt I needed to take care of.
I had a baby who wouldn’t sleep. I was exhausted. Then I fell pregnant again.
I was heading towards burnout.
After a month in the new job my son got sick. I took a few days off to care for him… and got fired.
My employer was very clear that it was not my performance, they did not want to hire someone who had caring responsibilities.
I was gutted. I sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out.
Isn’t that illegal? My friends and family asked.
But did it stop them?
How could they do that?
Newsflash: gender discrimination happens all the time. It took this experience to really open my eyes to it.
I share this story for two reasons:
1. It lifted the lid on gender issues for me. Suddenly it was personal.
2. It shined a spotlight on my relationship.
I started to question why I was taking the carers leave days? Why didn’t my husband and I share it? He had plenty of leave and would have taken a day off if I’d asked.
Why did I have to ask? Why didn’t he think to take the days off?
It hit me – we had fallen into traditional gender roles in our relationship.
Despite both of us working, I was carrying the childcaring responsibilities and the burden of emotional labour on top.
It was unspoken – expected by both of us.
But it definitely was not the best thing for me, for my husband or for our son.
I felt like I was stuck doing the emotional labour.
If this didn’t change then was going to miss out on opportunities.
Career, financial, fulfillment.
I resented my husband. I was angry at him.
I had made so many sacrifices and yet it felt like his life was pretty much unchanged. WTF.
Enough was enough.
We decided to find another way.
A way to unlock the burden of the mental load that was weighing me down.
We tapped into our psychology training and expertise in behaviour change to find ways that stuck.
We rebalanced the mental load and it transformed our relationship. It is the best decision we have made for our marriage.
Pretty quickly we noticed that we were communicating more and working as a team.
Fast forward 3 kids later.
Marty is the active dad he wanted to be.
- He doesn’t depend on me to manage all the mental load
- We never fight, nag or harbour resentment about workload
- We have increased communication and daily connection with each other and the kids
- We feel great respect, intimacy and closeness in our marriage.
If anything ever happened to me I know my husband would be able to look after himself, the kids, the house, relationships with family and friends around us.
Because I don’t do it all.
The burden of the mental load is not all on my shoulders.
I am passionate about empowering women create that same feeling.
So I decided to start a coaching service to help couples who know they want to change but don’t know how.
Thank you for reading my story.